As a counsellor/psychotherapist with over 15 years' experience of working with male victims of sexual abuse, assaults and exploitation (hereafter referred to as abuse) I'm aware of the various responses given to boys and men when they disclose the various forms of abuse.

At aged 16 I was sexually exploited, and at aged 20 I was raped after going on a night out in Leeds.After I was raped, I found myself in my local police station.Crying, shaking and under the influence of alcohol I said I'd been raped and needed help.I was told in a very harsh tone that I was drunk and needed to go home.

When I returned home, I phoned my friends, told them what happened and within the hour they were all at my house offering support.I explained how the police responded which prompted a friend to phone 999.It was only after this that the police turned up!two disgruntled and inconvenienced police officers who made it clear they didn't want to be there.

One officer criticised me for walking off with the rapist, saying that it wouldn't look very good in court, and the other said that I hadn't exactly helped myself.Whilst these were the unhelpful comments made at the time, many more have been made since.

Many still dismiss, mock, minimise, ignore and in some cases even celebrate male rape.There are many misconceptions, and there are still those who believe rape and abuse isn't really an issue for which boys and men.This is why I share my experiences by speaking at conferences, delivering training to professionals, and using social media to highlight various aspects of abuse experienced by males.

Whilst the vast majority of feedback I have received has been incredibly supportive and positive, I have experienced rather negative and judgmental responses from a significant minority.

Men get raped!women suffer

In one particular thread on Twitter I highlighted that when I was raped I no longer felt like a "real man" and that to prove to myself and the world that I was a "real man" I displayed rather harmful behaviour!engaging in lots of promiscuous unprotected sex, actively looking for physical fights with people, shutting down emotionally, and drinking large amounts of alcohol.

The thread goes on to highlight that I had rather rigid views about masculinity and what it meant to be male;alwaysbe tough,nevershow emotions,alwaysfight back and win etc.I highlight that such rigidity did not help and that the concept of a "real man" is so subjective that a factual definition simply can't exist.I then went on to highlight that we can use traits of traditional masculinity in a healthy and useful way to help us overcome the effects of abuse.

One of the first responses was from a woman telling me that the behaviours I initially displayed in response to my rape were the actions seen by "women and children" who can't see the source of the "rage" and "suffer the effects."

I responded by saying that given the context of my tweet, I thought this response was rather disappointing to which this person replied by saying that males are the major obstacle in their own healing.She goes on to say that we, as males, need to "figure out" how to stop our raging bullsh*t and then says "Our patience is wearing thin." A couple of tweets later I was told that women and children are suffering at the hands of "raging males" and that women had to fight their way out of rape culture on their own.

Whilst my tweets highlighted that my responses to my rape caused me further suffering, the person who replied to my tweet did not acknowledge this, and instead highlighted how these responses cause women and children to suffer, completely ignoring the suffering of the man who has experienced rape.A man highlights how he responded to rape and he's told that women and children suffer.What about the suffering of the man who has been raped?Why is this given absolutely no attention?

Whilst I certainly don't want to dismiss the suffering that women and children go through as a result of how men respond to their abuse, I think there's a time and a place to highlight such an issue, and hat time and place is not when a man has just shared how he struggled to deal with his rape.I also think it's important to highlight that woman and children,andmen can suffer as a result of how not only men respond to their abuse, but also how women respond to their abuse too.However, I can imagine that as a man I would be bombarded with a torrent of abuse if a woman disclosed the harmful ways she responded to her rape, and I replied by saying that her responses cause others to suffer.The point is that as a human being I would never tell someone who disclosed how they responded to their rape, that their responses cause others in their life (men, women, boys or girls) to suffer, and I certainly wouldn't do so in a way that completely ignores their own suffering.

Obviously, I can't speak for all males!our experiences are different, but what I can say is that to the best of my knowledge the main person suffering from how I responded to my rape, was me and my body.In fact, if anyone else suffered it was other men, such as the men I was picking fights with.

Perhaps the undertone of the above comments is that if men opened up more, they and the people around them would be less likely to suffer.Perhaps.However, being told that your responses make women and children suffer, that you need to figure out how to stop your "raging bullsh*t", that you are the obstacle in your own healing and that the patience of women is wearing thin is hardly likely to make abused boys and men want to open up.If anything, it will give them even more reason to think, why should I bother?

I also don't believe that men are necessarily the "major obstacle in their own healing." Personally, I think many abused boys and men are pressured into in engaging with services in ways that is not very male-friendly.Male victims find it difficult to find male-friendly supportas many services are catered specifically for women.One male who experienced rape contacted a service and was told "men are the abusers, women are the victims, we need to terminate this call now so we can help victims." For more on male-friendly interventions see the last two chapters ofThe Palgrave Handbook of Male Psychology and Mental Health!Reconnection: Designing Interventions and Services with Men in Mind, and What Are the Factors That Make a Male-Friendly Therapy?

Other responses to me sharing my experience of rape, online have included;

"Men once again moaning about problems of their own making."

"A real man wouldn't allow that to happen to them."

"It will never be as bad for men as it will for women.Men can't get pregnant by their rapist."

"You're part of the patriarchy so you're part of the problem."

"The guy that raped you might have kicked the sh*t out of me but no way would he get up my arse."

I am fully aware that such dismissive comments are also made in regards to girls and women who have experienced abuse, but there are arguably more professionals, services and members of the public ready to respond to and challenge inappropriate comments made about female rape than there are for male rape.

We should never use someone's disclosure of rape or how they responded to their rape to promote our own, often biased and sometimes irrational, gendered narrative.

"Have you considered gay conversion therapy?"

I often speak at conferences where I share my experience of child sexual exploitation (CSE) and adult rape, and whilst the vast majority of feedback is positive and supportive, I remember one particular interaction with a professional that stays in my mind.

I'd finished my presentation, answered questions from the crowd, and as I started to leave, a professional approached me.After telling me that she'd enjoyed my presentation I was surprised to hear her asking me if I'd ever considered gay conversion therapy.She said that a man might not have raped me if I'd have been heterosexual.

I told the professional very clearly that gay conversion therapy is unethical and opposed by many includingthe British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP).I explained that I did not get raped because I'm gay!I got raped because I was with a rapist, and that there is every possibility I'd have been raped if I'd have been a heterosexual male.I explained that gay men can and do rape gay and heterosexual men, and that heterosexual men can and do rape gay and heterosexual men.

I asked the professional if she'd approach a woman who had just shared her experience of rape, and ask her if she'd consider doing something to change her sexual orientation.The professional frowned with confusion, thought for a moment and said that she would never ask a woman a similar question as she though it would be inappropriate.I told the professional that it was a shame she didn't think that asking me that question was inappropriate.

"Was he fit?"

I was once in a bar when a colleague introduced me to his friend.As the conversation flowed my colleague's friend seemed interested in what I did for a job.I told her and she very directly asked me "So have you been raped?" I was rather taken aback at her overly assertive approach but I simply responded by saying that I was raped when I was 20."Lucky you," the woman said, "Was he fit?" She followed this by a certain amount of laughter to which I responded by adopting an uncomfortable and rather awkward expression.Noticing the look on my face the woman said that she was joking and that I needed to lighten up.I asked my colleague's friend, "If a woman had just told you she'd been raped, would you say she was lucky, ask her if the rapist was fit and then laugh?"

What followed was a barrage of aggression where I was told that women have been oppressed by men for years and that if one man has to get raped, then maybe he'll know what it's like to be a woman in this patriarchal society.I was experiencing all sorts of thoughts and emotions at this point, as I'm sure you can imagine.I calmly told the women that I didn't want to get into a debate about gender and oppression on a night out, and that regardless of what ever has or has not happened in the past I didn't believe anyone of any gender "has" to be raped."You haven't answered my question," I said, "So I assume that you wouldn't tell a woman who'd just disclosed rape that she's lucky, or ask her if her rapist was fit, and then laugh." A short silence followed.I then told the woman that I didn't think it was OK to laugh about anyone being raped and that she might want to think about how the attitude and behaviour she displayed could contribute to abused boys and men not disclosing.She told me I needed to get a sense of humour and that "it could have been worse." "How?" I asked.She said that as I'm a gay man it would have been worse for me if I'd have been raped by a woman because I'm sexually attracted to men not women.I explained that I was not sexually attracted to all men just like women are not sexually attracted to all men.I explained that she seemed to be implying that if you are raped by a gender you arenotsexually attracted to, this would be worse than being raped by a gender youaresexually attracted to.I explained that sexual attraction is the last thing on your mind when you're being raped.

As we continued talking, I returned to what the woman said at the start of the conversation where she asked me if the rapist was fit.I told her that I couldn't help but wonder if she was implying that me being raped by an attractive man would be better than being raped by an unattractive man."Well it makes easier doesn't it?" she said, "If you have to choose between getting raped by a fit bloke or an ugly bloke, you're obviously going to choose the fit bloke, aren't you?" I explained very clearly that the point is that no one should have to choose, and I then asked if she would make such a comment to a woman."That's different," she quickly snapped back."How?" I asked, "Are you saying that it's easier for men when they're abused by an attractive perpetrator but that the appearance of someone who abuses a woman is irrelevant?" Silence followed, and I explained that the appearance of the abuser doesn't make it easier for a victim to overcome the abuse perpetrated by the abuser.

Conclusion

Many boys and men receive inappropriate and unhelpful responses when they disclose rape and abuse.Some are similar to the unhelpful responses made to abused girls and women, and some are very specific to boys and men.

Some males want to maintain their masculinity, and are worried about being perceived as less masculine, especially if they didn't fight back against their perpetrator, or if the abuse was perpetrated by a woman.It doesn't help when abused boys and men are asked "Why didn't you just push him/her off you?" or "You're a strong lad.You can look after yourself."

The abuse of boys and men is dismissed, minimised and ignored.A 2017 serious case reviewhighlighted how a police officer "ultimately took action" after a vulnerable teenage boy disclosed that a man was threatening to post naked images of him online, anda 2019 serious case reviewhighlighted that the risk of sexual exploitation was not considered when a 15-year-old boy disclosed gang involvement, being missing a significant number of times and having 11 sexual partners since the age of 14.

Abused boys and men are also often ridiculed.Thelate Eric Bristow made judgmental comments about male victims of sexual abuseand soap star asChris Chittell who plays Eric Pollard in Emmerdale made comments belittling the sexual abuse of boys perpetrated by women.Perhaps this is why 41% of men regret telling someone about their problems, and why 53% would probably/definitely not tell anyone again.It could also be a contributing factor to why boys and men may be less likely to disclose abuse in the same way as, or as often girls and women.

A certain percentage of society wants boys and men to be given a clear message!We are potential perpetrators before we are potential victims, and even when we are seen as potential or confirmed victims, we must acknowledge that our experiences of abuse are not worthy of the same quality of attention as the abuse experienced by girls and women.Perhaps this explains why we have a violence against women and girl's strategy but not a violence against men and boy's strategy.

The message I would like to give abused boys and men is that you and your experiences of abuse are worthy of attention, and that your gender does not mean your experience of abuse is any more or less valid than anyone else's.

It's not a competition, so let's not make it one.

#MaleVictimsToo